You Gotta Accentuate the Positive

Ok, so by now you all know that I still love D so much I ache inside and you know that SH and I argue, a lot. You should also know a few more things SH texts, calls and emails me all the time. He likes doing things with me. He helps around the house. He's passionate and makes me feel beautiful and desirable. He's a good man. D isn't sober, in fact, he's in treatment and they have him VERY doped up at the moment. He hasn't even called, he's been sleeping his time away. I've talked to him a couple of times and he was very spacy. This is what happened last time he was in treatment. I love D, we had a good life together, I was content for quite a number of years. I miss the easiness of it, but honestly, I was lonely and afraid all the time for the last few years. D changed into someone I didn't even know. I was hurt and resentful and scared to death. I've thought for the past two years "well, if things don't work out with SH, I can always go back to D" but honestly, I don't think I can. I like having someone who actively participates in life, someone I argue with but we argue because he's alive. Sometimes D was like that, sometimes not. I'd always be living in fear of his addiction and that's something all my love can't fix. My mom used to say "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with...." and that's what I'm trying to do.

How Many Times Can One Heart Break?

D was all set to go into treatment again yesterday but, since he's on narcotics, his thinking isn't it's best. So, instead of going up to the hospital, he decided to try to help a total stranger get her car fixed. He went down to his bank and tried to get a $300 advance and was, of course, denied. Because he spent so long on that, he wasn't able to get a bed at the treatment center and got sent home. On the way home he rear-ended someone and wrecked his brand new, leased car. My heart is so sad. He was slurry and blaming everyone but himself as he told me about the accident this morning. He doesn't remember what happened. I've been in the car with him when he's like that, it's scary. I hate this so much. He is the kindest, most compassionate man I know and yet, on drugs, he called the woman he hit a racial slur because she said her back was hurt. It's very hard not to blame myself, to think if I were still with D, I could have kept him from getting so bad, I could help him fight this demon. I love him so much and I can do absolutely nothing to help him.

Narcotics Suck, Part 2,000,000

Had lunch with D today. We've been having lunch once a week since his latest surgery. He was fine week 1, fine week 2. Fucked up as hell today. I can always tell. He tried to bull shit me but I knew. He plans on going to treatment after they remove the wound pump they have on him, so about a week from now. I hope he makes it. It's horrible watching someone you love destroy themselves.

No Matter How Hard I Try

I don't think I'll ever feel truly happy or content. I feel like I made the worst mistake of my life and I'm completely trapped in my choice because of the kids. Maybe this is all my fault, maybe I'm just impossible to get along with and impossibly depressed. I'm so tired of feeling frustrated and sad. I'm getting fatter and more unhappy every day. I just want to go back to the days with D when I felt so content that I knew it couldn't last....and of course, it didn't.

Not too bad

Well, I did it Sh & I got married on the 9th of February. It wasn't the prettiest wedding, I wasn't the prettiest bride (especially after a month straight of insomnia, including a whooping 45 minutes the night before) but it was nice and the cake was good. since then I've gotten on Elavil which has helped me sleep, a good 6-7 hours a night which is almost a miracle for me. And, I'm doing ok. I think I faced all my fears and made the right choice for me. D was a big part in that, he talked me through the pre-wedding jitters and reminded me there's always divorce, I'll never be "stuck" in an unhappy life unless I chose to. And right now, I'm not unhappy, I'm pretty content. It's still really hard being a step-mom to such young kids and now, the kid's mom has dropped the bomb that, she's pregnant. Yeah, let that sink in a minute she's unemployed, her boyfriend is unemployed, they've spent all his 401k money and can't pay the taxes and penalties they owe on it. They live in a rented room, they both smoke, they abuse prescription medication and god only knows what else, she can't get a regular schedule or regular visitation and now she's supposedly pregnant? I say supposedly because I trust nothing she does or says and I wouldn't put it past her to fake a pregnancy to get her boyfriend to marry her and then have a "miscarriage". She's used to people feeling sorry for her and for damn good reason but that's pretty much dried up now, nothing like a new tragedy to drum up some more sympathy and hopefully financial support, right? SH thinks she's probably telling the truth but then again, he still can't admit that she got pregnant with his son on purpose to trap him into marrying her (they were broken up and he stupidly responded to a booty call, can't tell me she didn't know there was a very good chance she'd get pregnant.) Call me jaded or call me a realist, either way if she is it's gonna suck for our kids. Other than that, all is going pretty well.

I can do that?

Well, according to the therapist, SH & D, I can have it all. They all 3 agree that it's perfectly ok for me to be with SH while maintaining a very close and supportive friendship with D. I don't have to chose. The therapy visit was so helpful that I'm going back on the 19th. We are going to work on the reasons I don't feel like I deserve love and happiness. Then SH & I are going to meet with her together. Maybe life doesn't suck?

What I'm Doing About It

I've been horribly sick with the flu and emotional anguish and it all came to a head on Monday. I finally told SH how hard of a time I'm having getting over D. He didn't take it well. He ended up leaving work (because I'm a genius and I emailed him this information, yes, I emailed my finance that I'm having trouble moving past my ex-husband). I ended up going home, too and we talked and talked. I also talked to D. Ultimately I decided to stay on the path I'm already walking and get myself some therapy, which I start today after work. Both of the men that I love are being supportive of me. SH is trying to show me just how very much he loves me and D is doing what I think is the harder thing, which is letting me go. It hurts my heart to even type that. Hopefully the therapy will help.