You Gotta Accentuate the Positive
Ok, so by now you all know that I still love D so much I ache inside and you know that SH and I argue, a lot. You should also know a few more things SH texts, calls and emails me all the time. He likes doing things with me. He helps around the house. He's passionate and makes me feel beautiful and desirable. He's a good man. D isn't sober, in fact, he's in treatment and they have him VERY doped up at the moment. He hasn't even called, he's been sleeping his time away. I've talked to him a couple of times and he was very spacy. This is what happened last time he was in treatment. I love D, we had a good life together, I was content for quite a number of years. I miss the easiness of it, but honestly, I was lonely and afraid all the time for the last few years. D changed into someone I didn't even know. I was hurt and resentful and scared to death. I've thought for the past two years "well, if things don't work out with SH, I can always go back to D" but honestly, I don't think I can. I like having someone who actively participates in life, someone I argue with but we argue because he's alive. Sometimes D was like that, sometimes not. I'd always be living in fear of his addiction and that's something all my love can't fix. My mom used to say "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with...." and that's what I'm trying to do.