$19.95 trip in time

I bought myself a new makeup mirror online and it arrived tonight.It's exactly like one I had when I was growing up. I took it out of the box, plugged it in and
suddenly I was 13 and sitting at my pink and white dressing table that my stepdad made me, in my pink & white room, looking in my Conair 3 way mirror getting ready for my first date. Curling my hair, putting on make up, practicing seductive looks to use on the 17 yr old I was going out with (as if 17 yr old boys needed seductive looks, little did I know back then).
I spent hours in front of that mirror. It had different lighting settings, too. Naturally I kept mine on "evening" most of the time. I wish I could travel through time somehow and talk to that girl, warn her of all the stupid mistakes that were to come.
I come back to the future with a bang and look at the face I have now. This mirror has the face of a middle aged woman in it and much, much better lighting and magnification than the one I just threw out...where did those mustache hairs come from? Where did that sad, bone tired look come from?
At least I can afford a lot more makeup these days, to cover up the years and the mistakes.

giving up

my friend R's daughter called to tell me she's been drinking
which I really already knew since she hasn't called after a big discussion we had where I told her the truth and she got pissed
ok, her other daughter JUST called
she's drunk and threatening suicide & murder
I told her to call the cops on her mom


she's going to drink herself to death and destroy her whole family in the process

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I'm 14 and standing in a record store at the mall. I've come in search of an album I heard on the college radio station in Durham that plays "new wave" music. The band is called "Human Sexual Response" and I'm still young enough to giggle and blush when I look for it.
I found the album in the import section, even though the band is from Boston, and fell in love with it. I played it for years and years. Stupidly, in my late 20's, I stored my vinyls in a garage and most of them got warped, including this one. I've been looking for it, off and on, for years.
Today, I started my search again and found the whole album in a free zip file download. Hopefully it's not illegal. I'm listening now, at work and enjoying it more now than I did then. It has aged well (or maybe I'm old enough now to understand it better).

Hospital, Again

Reality slaps me in the face: From the FMLA paperwork his liver Dr. just faxed me: The flares are sporadic and may consist of a myriad of complications that can occur in a patient with cirrhosis. Probable duration of condition: Until liver transplant

I keep pretending it will all just go away. It's not going to, is it?

Running Away

Some days I just want to run away. Get in the car or on a plane and just go...somewhere else, anywhere else.
Then I remember, wherever you go, you take yourself with you. I can't become a different person just by changing my surroundings. So, what's the other option? Change who I am within my current circumstances.
I'm tired of being sad, filled with worry, never being able to completely relax. Always waiting for the next bad thing. One of my "friends" told me yesterday that I focus on the negative to much. Maybe she is right, maybe I do. I just know that whatever your focus, negative or positive, shit happens. You can't stop it from happening just because you are little mary sunshine.
I want my life back, the happy, passion filled, exciting life I used to have with my husband. He's sick, it's not his fault. I know that. I don't blame him. I'm just....lonely and afraid.

Banging my head against a brick wall, repeatedly

a couple weeks ago, my old friend Ri got arrested
she asked me to sponsor her, spent a weekend at our house, called me a million times a day, leaned on me HEAVILY, to the point were it was really disrupting my life
I helped her as much as I could, thought she might finally, after over 6 years of trying, get sober
I talked to her about 4 times yesterday, the last time was at 10 pm
she was fine, she'd been to a meeting, had a productive talk with her daughter's aunt about custody (her daughter's dad had custody but died suddenly a couple months ago)

so, I get a message on facebook this morning from her older daughter, Ri's gone missing
her daughter woke up this morning and found her cell phone & work bag but no mom
I thought she was dead
turns out she just got arrested, again
I'm not sure what for, but I'm sure it's alcohol related
I haven't heard from her
I don't know what to do. Obviously I can't sponsor her anymore, I'm not helping
I should have said no this time (last time she called me drunk to tell me she hated me in the middle of the night)
I can't believe this but I think I need Alanon over this shit
AA just doesn't work if you won't be honest, open minded & willing
she's none of the above I guess
it breaks my heart, because I really like her as a person, as a friend
and I can't save her

now for a political statement

coming out of self-imposed blogger retirement to post a link
Only a Republican

I wish I had the courage to send it to my mom and all my Republican friends but I'll just pass it on here instead because I don't really like to argue about politics.